Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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