How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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