Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
