White coat. Heels.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
