so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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