i permit you to call me
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize