Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
