Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
