wakey wakey hands off snakey
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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