ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
