Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
