saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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