I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
