my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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