Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My breasts were aching with rage.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
