I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
