My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
