I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
