K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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