yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
