he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
