im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
