At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
