please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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