hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
