I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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