you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
