tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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