i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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