apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
