omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
