Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
