you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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