I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
