he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
