We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
