Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
