Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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