My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
