you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
