he referred to my room as the tit cave...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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