Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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