So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
