After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
