I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
