How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
