i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize