Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
