Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I am naked and annoyed.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
