I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
