well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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