why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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