I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
