do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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