this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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