Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
