Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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