My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
