i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
